Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Old Post

I made a post on the two plus two poker website a long while back.  I enjoyed writing it.  Hope you enjoy reading it.  Here it is:

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In light my considerable success as a Low Stakes Poker Pro, as well as my Small Stakes Poker Pro Ranking of 4,954, I have decided that it is time for me to write a small-stakes poker strategy book as a sort of gift to humanity.

Before I begin, I will place my bookwriting services up for bid. The bidding will take place in a process that I will identify as "The Race for the Book." Note to poker publishers: If you want to stay in the running, you will need to include the following in your offers.

First, I want Willie Randolph's rookie card, and I want it in mint condition. If you don't know who Willie Randolph is, then you've fallen behind in the Race for the Book.

Second, I want an annual subscription to Uncanny Tales magazine. If Uncanny Tales no longer publishes a magazine, then you'd better hire a crack staff to put one together. Failure to satisfy this condition constitutes a dealbeaker. (If Uncanny Tales doesn't exist anymore, and if you are going to assemble a crack staff to start writing one for me, then I want each edition to contain the following elements: at least four (4) ninjas; at least four (4) midgets; and at least one (1) midget-ninja. Remember that satisfying the midget-ninja requirement DOES NOT satisfy the separate ninja and midget requirements. In short, and to clarify: I want at least nine (9) midgets and ninjas. At least four (4) MUST be ninjas, at least four (4) MUST be midgets, and a ninth separate character must be BOTH a ninja and a midget. If you decide to go with NOTHING BUT midget-ninjas, then the Uncanny Tales edition must contain at least NINE (9) of these characters. Aside from ninjas, midgets, and midget-ninjas, I also demand that each edition contain the following superheroes/celebrities/undead creatures: no fewer than six (6) zombies, eight (8) vampires, two (2) werewolves, as well as Green Lantern, Spiderman, Aquaman, Superman, Kiefer Sutherland, Oprah Winfrey, and a pony with a braided mane.

Third, I want a monkey in a cage delivered to my door in the dead of night.

Fourth, I want a supply of bananas to be delivered to my door in the dead of night in order to feed the caged monkey for the duration of the monkey's life.

Fifth, I want the monkey to be able to play the piano. The piano will be of the tiny variety, such as to be monkey playable, and it will be delivered by you in the dead of night.

Sixth, If the monkey cannot play the piano, then I want him at least to enjoy banging on the keys while wearing a black tuxedo, tophat, bowtie, and tailcoat.

Seventh, If the monkey has also been trained to grip an unlit cigar between his teeth while wearing the tuxedo, tophat, bowtie, and tailcoat, then I will as a sign of goodwill include an additional chapter to my book: "Four-Three of Clubs: The New Ten-Seven of Diamonds."

Eighth, I want at least $20,000 in ones in a green duffelbag. I want you to give me the money spy-style in the following manner. I will be at the local train station. Your agent will bump into me. He will drop his green duffelbag, filled with cold hard cash, and he will pick up my green duffelbag, filled with monkey waste. I will be wearing an orange shirt, a yellow tie, plaid pants, rope belt, Grizzlies ballcap, and shades. Your agent will be able to recognize me because my socks will not match.

The bidding process begins on Friday, February 15, 2008. Early bids will not be accepted. Over the next three days, I will supply the title, the table of contents, as well as several ideas for the cover art of my book. In the meantime, I'd recommend that you get cracking. You've got monkeys to find and magazines to write.

1 comment:

  1. manylolz.
    i merember it well. i could read it over and over.

    ReplyDelete