An Asshole Explains Beer to a Child

Getting the Child to Listen

Hey, kid.  Kid.  Hey.  C'mere.  Closer.  Don't run away.  Don't do that.  That's disgusting.  Get your finger away from that.  Christ, kid.  Get over here.  Closer.  Closer.  Good.  Now sit down.  Sit down.  Siddown.  That's one.  Good.  You did good.  You did number one.  You're a success.  Now here comes number two.  You ready?  Number two is stop picking your nose.  Kid.  Kid.  Y'know, rubbing the back of your hand against your nose is the same thing.  What's that on the back of your hand?  No, not there.  There.  See?  It's snot.  You backhanded nosepicker.  Stop that.  Sit on your hands.  It's a new game.  It's called "Sit on your hands."  If you can do it, I'll give you a dollar . . . Good.  That's wonderful.  You're a model citizen.

Beer vs. Candy

Okay, kid, you listening?  Are you listening?  Okay, what did I just say?  . . . Good.  All right, you've eaten candy, right?  You like candy?  Candy's good, right?  What kind of candy do you like?  . . . What the hell are poprocks?  Never heard of it.  You ever try Necco wafers?  They're good, right?  . . . What do you mean they're crap?  You ever eat the brown ones?  The brown ones are fantastic.  Kid, you're missing out.  When I give you this dollar, run off to Walgreens and buy yourself a pack.  Eat it right there in the store.  Those wafers are delicious.

Anyway, close your eyes.  Imagine you're in the candy store.  You have 15 minutes to eat all you want.  And you know what?  That's exactly what you do.  You're stuffing your face with chocolate and gummy bears and all kinds of crap.  Now, you're done.  Feels good, right?  You feel electric, don't you?  You wanna run around and break something, right?  You have all kinds of energy.  You're full of life.  You're happy as--who?  Happy as Barney the Dinosaur . . .  What?  Barney's purple.  He dances and he's purple.  You love Barney . . .  You never heard of Barney?  What kind of parents you got?  Sorry, kid.  That's your parents' fault, not yours.  Your problem is the nosepicking, not Barney.  Stay with me.  You stuff your face with candy, and suddenly you want to climb a tree and cut it down at the same time. Remember that feeling?  Well, beer's nothing like that.  That's cocaine.  You'll find out about cocaine in college.

Forget that part, kid.  Kid.  Kid, over here.  What are you looking at?  Those are just pigeons.

Explaining Stress 

So anyway, I'm losing track.  I want to talk about beer, and suddenly I'm talking about--never mind.  Anyway, listen here.  Here.  I'm trying to explain something to you.  We're talking about beer.  But first--one, I need to explain stress.  You feel stress?  You feel nervous all the time?  Of course you don't.  You're a kid.  Kids don't feel stress.  But lemme explain stress.  Uhhh . . . okay, listen.  You got testicles, right?  They hang down from your--ah . . . try this.  Grab yourself like this.  You could grab yourself hard enough to cause pain, right?  Don't do that.  I'm just saying you could.  Instead, grab yourself just hard enough where if you do it a little bit more then it's gonna hurt.  Okay, go ahead . . .  You there yet?  You're not feeling pain, right?  Good.  That's good.  But you feel nervous, right?  You want it to end, don't you?  Doesn't feel good, does it?  Well that's how adults feel all the time.  Except the hand squeezing us down there is invisible.  Okay, you can let yourself go.  That's right, take your hand away from there.  You feel okay?  You sure?  Good.  Anyway, that's how I'm feeling right now.  I've got an invisible hand squeezing my sack.  And one way to make it go away is beer.

So that's why adults drink beer.  To make the invisible hand go away that is squeezing our sacks.  That's adulthood.  That's what you're headed for.  Okay, kid.  Here's your dollar.  Go play.