Sunday, April 29, 2012
I Conquer the World's Greatest Challenges on My MotorSofa (TM)
It is time to be fit. Clear mind, clear thoughts, firm thighs. Waistline shrinks, biceps grow. A simple transfer of mass. Health! To that end, I plan to conquer several of the world's marathons around the world--in record time. I will do so in my MotorSofa (TM), undesigned, unbuilt, and utterly perfect.
Consider the picture above to be a motorized sofa engineer's failed attempt to construct my MotorSofa, in every way its superior. His two-seater with table and bowl of fruit lacks numerous accoutrements that I consider essential to a proper MotorSofa: flat screen TV, mini-fridge, portable toilet (a hole in the cushion so that the driver has merely to squeeze one's package onto the road (to be collected by a road cleaner, whose salary we pay (without such behavior by yours truly, he might be unnecessary and therefore out of work (and yes, I am suggesting that you too should shit in the street to decrease the unemployment rate)))).
In 2011, Geoffrey Mutai of Kenya ran the fastest marathon ever. He did so at the Boston Marathon, with a time of 2 hours, 3 minutes, and 2 seconds.
Geoffrey, consider the fruit of your life's work to be sledgehammered. My MotorSofa, as yet unbanned in the Boston Marathon, will obliterate your record by a minimum of 45 minutes, before I can finish 6 taco supremes and finish my 56th viewing of Barfly, a movie that I will be reviewing for this blog as I zip past you. And when I hand you a bag as I zip past, do not mistake it for water. Do society a favor and drop those taco wrappers in the nearest trash.