I've been very busy these last couple weeks. Part of my busy-ness culminated in a field trip for female UAE students. The point of the field trip was to visit the Dubai Financial Market, which was the UAE equivalent of visiting the New York Stock Exchange. It turns out that the UAE version is far more boring and nothing at all like you'd think it would be--unless you imagine that it would involve a couple dozen Arabic dudes sitting on sofas and staring at stock quotes on a gigantic flat-screen TV.
The part that took so much effort was getting the female students off of the university grounds in the first place. As you are probably aware, female students--even female university students--are kept on university grounds that are surrounded by walls. So that they can't escape. So naturally, these women look for any excuse they can to go on a field trip.
These are the following steps that were required to allow the women to leave the campus:
1. Get approval from Dubai Financial Market (DFM)
2. Give DFM contact info to the university
3. Request permission from the university to go on the field trip (the permission request involves a lot of information which basically boils things down to one question: "If things get screwed up, who is the university going to fire?" The answer: "Me. Fire me.")
4. The university took two weeks to approve the field trip. During this period, I had to kiss major ass. Finally, the field trip was approved.
5. Even though it has been approved, I now need to convince the people at the gate that the university has approved the field trip. This step has been known to kill many field trips.
6. Once we are through the gate, we need to have a bus. This is more complicated than it sounds. We can order a bus. That's easy. The bus people can send an email that reads: "Bus confirmed." Neither of these steps has any meaning. All that matters is making enough phone calls and complaining to enough people so that a bus driver actually shows up, so that we can pile on board.
7. The bus driver will have no clue where we are going. And because the women are never allowed to leave the campus, they have no clue where we are going either.
Step 7 leads to the beginning of our field trip. The Club President, upon finding out that our bus driver--who was missing all of his upper teeth in the front--had no clue where he was going, called DFM, got a rep, and handed the phone to the driver. As the toothless driver took the Club President's phone, his own phone started ringing . . . and he answered it. We approached a roundabout in a bus being driven by a toothless guy with a phone on each ear and steering with his elbows.
And of course, the ladies are so excited to be outside the university that they're making a ruckus on the bus, clapping their hands, singing, and laughing all at once, making me realize that I had 90 minutes of near-screaming static to look forward to.
The rest of the trip was not quite as exciting or interesting. We arrived at DFM to sit through a 20 minute powerpoint presentation by a Low Talker. (Everyone kept leaning forward, straining to hear him.)
After the presentation, we checked out the trading floor, which was boring.
Then we had the following options for lunch. The university does not trust its students, so we had three options:
1. Food from the local gas station, which I alone would collect the money and buy, while the students stayed behind in the bus.
2. Go to Zayed University.
3. Go to HCT University.
Yes, the students were leaving their university on a field trip where they would eventually eat lunch . . . at another university. We chose Zayed.
Zayed was fine. There were plenty of food options. But once again, these students were so excited about being on a field trip that they had a glazed look in their eyes. I would speak, but their ears were hearing absolutely nothing.
Instead, they wandered around, having their pictures taken next to everything. Next to posters. Next to trees.
Eventually, a student asked me, "Sir, may I take a picture with you?"
And I made the mistake of saying, "Yes."
How could I have made such a rookie maneuver? Soon they were all lined up and I was their newest photo prop.
Anyhoo, once that was all finished, we were supposed to meet to get back on the bus, except one student was missing.
The students all thought that this situation was no big deal, or else it was something to joke about.
Finally, I said, "You know, this isn't important to you. I understand that. But if I leave our university with 19 female students, and then I return to our university with 18 female students, then I might as well just drive to the airport, because I am fired."
Their eyes brightened at that realization. I could see the dots connecting behind their eyes. Yes, they were thinking, he's right. If he loses one of us, he's finished.
They all reached for their cell phones simultaneously and phone-flooded the missing student till she showed up.
Back on the bus. Back to university. Then back home, whereupon I slept for 11 hours.
The part that took so much effort was getting the female students off of the university grounds in the first place. As you are probably aware, female students--even female university students--are kept on university grounds that are surrounded by walls. So that they can't escape. So naturally, these women look for any excuse they can to go on a field trip.
These are the following steps that were required to allow the women to leave the campus:
1. Get approval from Dubai Financial Market (DFM)
2. Give DFM contact info to the university
3. Request permission from the university to go on the field trip (the permission request involves a lot of information which basically boils things down to one question: "If things get screwed up, who is the university going to fire?" The answer: "Me. Fire me.")
4. The university took two weeks to approve the field trip. During this period, I had to kiss major ass. Finally, the field trip was approved.
5. Even though it has been approved, I now need to convince the people at the gate that the university has approved the field trip. This step has been known to kill many field trips.
6. Once we are through the gate, we need to have a bus. This is more complicated than it sounds. We can order a bus. That's easy. The bus people can send an email that reads: "Bus confirmed." Neither of these steps has any meaning. All that matters is making enough phone calls and complaining to enough people so that a bus driver actually shows up, so that we can pile on board.
7. The bus driver will have no clue where we are going. And because the women are never allowed to leave the campus, they have no clue where we are going either.
Step 7 leads to the beginning of our field trip. The Club President, upon finding out that our bus driver--who was missing all of his upper teeth in the front--had no clue where he was going, called DFM, got a rep, and handed the phone to the driver. As the toothless driver took the Club President's phone, his own phone started ringing . . . and he answered it. We approached a roundabout in a bus being driven by a toothless guy with a phone on each ear and steering with his elbows.
And of course, the ladies are so excited to be outside the university that they're making a ruckus on the bus, clapping their hands, singing, and laughing all at once, making me realize that I had 90 minutes of near-screaming static to look forward to.
The rest of the trip was not quite as exciting or interesting. We arrived at DFM to sit through a 20 minute powerpoint presentation by a Low Talker. (Everyone kept leaning forward, straining to hear him.)
After the presentation, we checked out the trading floor, which was boring.
Then we had the following options for lunch. The university does not trust its students, so we had three options:
1. Food from the local gas station, which I alone would collect the money and buy, while the students stayed behind in the bus.
2. Go to Zayed University.
3. Go to HCT University.
Yes, the students were leaving their university on a field trip where they would eventually eat lunch . . . at another university. We chose Zayed.
Zayed was fine. There were plenty of food options. But once again, these students were so excited about being on a field trip that they had a glazed look in their eyes. I would speak, but their ears were hearing absolutely nothing.
Instead, they wandered around, having their pictures taken next to everything. Next to posters. Next to trees.
Eventually, a student asked me, "Sir, may I take a picture with you?"
And I made the mistake of saying, "Yes."
How could I have made such a rookie maneuver? Soon they were all lined up and I was their newest photo prop.
Anyhoo, once that was all finished, we were supposed to meet to get back on the bus, except one student was missing.
The students all thought that this situation was no big deal, or else it was something to joke about.
Finally, I said, "You know, this isn't important to you. I understand that. But if I leave our university with 19 female students, and then I return to our university with 18 female students, then I might as well just drive to the airport, because I am fired."
Their eyes brightened at that realization. I could see the dots connecting behind their eyes. Yes, they were thinking, he's right. If he loses one of us, he's finished.
They all reached for their cell phones simultaneously and phone-flooded the missing student till she showed up.
Back on the bus. Back to university. Then back home, whereupon I slept for 11 hours.
glamorous
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