Results of this Week's Uninformed, Professional Picks

Well, if you had taken my advice this week and bet half of your net worth on each of the following games--

Atlanta Falcons +4 vs. San Francisco 49ers

Baltimore Ravens +8 1/2 at New England Patriots

--you would've pushed in the first game and won the second, thereby increasing your net worth by 50 percent.  Congrats!

Of course, if you'd followed my advice during the first week of playoffs, you would've ended up losing half of your net worth.  Which is your fault.

How could you let yourself be duped like that?  You should only take my winning advice.  When I give you losing advice, please do us all a favor and do not place that bet, no matter how much I insist.

At the end of the day, if you had followed all of my advice, you would currently be sitting on 75 percent of your net worth, compared with 100 percent of your net worth if you had chosen to ignore all of my advice.

So there's that.  Losing is the price you pay for winning, I guess.

Anyhoo, we've got one game left, which means that you've got one more chance at redemption.  Don't screw up!  I advise you to bet your entire net worth on this game.

San Francisco -4 vs. Baltimore

(Please note that I will not be able to tell you until after the game whether I am giving you winning advice or losing advice.)

This Week's Uninformed, Professional NFL Picks

Okay, if you took my gambling advice last week, you lost half of your net worth.  And that was probably bad for you.

Well now is the time to celebrate!  This week I have the following uninformed, professional advice: Take all of the money you have left, divide it in half, and bet each half on these teams.

If I am right, then your net worth will double.

Atlanta Falcons +4 vs. San Francisco 49ers

I don't know anything about Atlanta, but Atlanta will win, or lose by less than 4 points.

Baltimore Ravens +8 1/2 at New England Patriots

I am picking the Ravens this week because I have a firm rule about the Pats.  I never bet on the Pats for any reason, regardless of the point spread.

I would recommend spending your winnings right now, before you get the results of the games, but if you have followed my advice, then you have gambled all of your net worth, leaving you with nothing.  How you could be so irresponsible is beyond my capacity for understanding.

Results from My Uninformed, Professional Picks

Before this week's NFL playoffs, I made uninformed, professional picks on all of the games.  I advised readers to divide their net worth into quarters and to bet one quarter on each of these four games.

Baltimore Ravens +9 at Denver

Green Bay Packers +2 1/2 at San Francisco

Atlanta Falcons -2 1/2 vs. Seattle

Houston Texans + 9 1/2 at New England

The results of the first two games are in.  In the Ravens-Broncos game, the Ravens--my pick--not only covered the 9-point spread, but they managed to win in double overtime 38-35.

For this win, I credit my blossoming genius.  To a lesser extent, I acknowledge that the Ravens did a pretty good job of pressuring Peyton Manning, the Broncos QB, even though I am not sure whether the Ravens did much pressuring of Peyton Manning, in which case all of the credit for their win belongs to me.

In the second game, the Niners' QB, whose name I do not know, supposedly ran wild against the Packers, who I had picked +2 1/2 points.  The final score turned out to be 45-31 in favor of San Francisco.  

For this loss, I blame the Green Bay coaching staff, its players, the team's play-calling, and their baffling desire to fail, especially when one-quarter of your net worth has been bet on their success.