Mostly, I teach Emiratis. Emiratis tend to be cold, distant, and private. Somehow, a friend of mine--and a co-worker with whom I work closely--finds a way to befriend his Emirati students. It's quite a feat.
Except for one thing. I don't believe that these Emiratis are his friends.
I guess now I sound like the cold and distant one. But let me tell you a story. This teacher friend of mine--let's call him Ralph--befriends one of his students, whom we'll call Ahmed. A university group goes on a trip together for school purposes, Ralph and Ahmed included. During the trip, Ahmed tries to make a move on a female student and totally faceplants. His failure is cartoonlike. Now, does Ahmed cry or become angry or depressed?
Ahmed tries to get Ralph fired.
He claims that Ralph was irresponsible in his duties observing the group, among other things. Long story short, his attempt fails. Ralph does not get fired. So what does Ahmed do next?
He comes back around to Ralph, hoping to re-friend him.
A westerner hears this story and thinks, What the fuck? This guy is crazy, stupid, or both. But it turns out that this sort of behavior is normal in this part of the world.
The same friend, Ralph, gets into an auto accident. The other car is driven by an Emirati. It is clearly the Emirati's fault. It is clearly the Emirati's fault in large part because Emiratis can't fucking drive. You almost wish they'd drive drunk, because their sober driving makes you think a child on a major sugar high is behind the wheel. When the cops arrive, the Emiratis try to throw Ralph under the bus. They use every argument that they can muster. The cops take a look at the scene and say, "This is clearly not Ralph's fault." The cops begin writing a report claiming that the Emiratis are responsible for the accident.
What do the Emiratis do next? All smiles, they walk up the Ralph and try to shake his hand. Suddenly, everyone is buddy buddy.
All of this is prelude to what happened to me today.
One of my students--let's call him Fuckball--is also Ralph's "friend." Now, Fuckball comes into my office complaining about various things--his absences, the zeroes he received for quizzes he was too fucking lazy to show up to take . . . general Emirati student complaints which boil down to one essential complaint: I am lazy and it is your fault. I politely listen to Fuckball until he is finished. In his own way he says, "I am lazy. It is your fault." Then I inform Fuckball that I do not give special treatment to any student, and so therefore I will not help him with his complaints. However, I say that if he does well on the final, he could still end up with a B or a B-plus.
How's that, Fuckball?
Fuckball doesn't like it. He stares at me for a while. I think for a bit and realize that I am done talking, and so I stare back. We stare at each other for a while. Very boring game. Then he gets up and leaves.
And immediately goes to complain to the boss of my boss.
Now, complaining to the boss of my boss has different meaning in the UAE than it does in the first-world. In short, Fuckball is trying to get me fired. And here's the thing: Fuckball, being an Emirati, is too fucking fucked up to realize that he's trying to get me fired. He's the Emirati driver who crashed into Ralph. He's trying to throw me under the bus, but he lacks the social awareness to realize it.
If he fails to get me fired, he'll be friendly to me later. He'll want to shake my hand.
Now, you might think: Why worry about it? It's just a whining student. Forget about it. The boss of my boss will back me up. But in this backward place, some students have power. They come from influential families. Occasionally, a teacher or administrator is fired, put on a plane, and flown out of UAE forever. Because of a student complaint.
None of which appears to bounce off of Fuckball's brainpan.
And Ralph somehow gets involved. The boss of my boss mentions the incident to Ralph. And Ralph calls me. And Ralph says, "It's an odd situation being between two friends . . ."
And I think, He's your friend? I'm somehow on the same level, Ralph, as some fucking moron who is trying to get me fired? For Ralph, the answer is yes . . . until the day arrives when Ralph does the wrong thing and pisses off Fuckball and Fuckball finagles a way to toss Ralph's ass into a taxi and tell him that he's got 24 hours left to stay in the country.
Ralph thinks his students are his friends. I'd bet a year's salary that these friends would laugh at the notion.
