I'm not kidding. This should be happening. Today.
First off, I think it's important to remember that astronauts make anywhere between $65k and $100k per year. That's not fantastic, but it's not bananas. If we replace these space jockeys with one or two chimps, we could literally pay them bananas.
The chimps would be self-trained. What I mean is, we toss a couple of these fellows into a ship, launch it into space, and then we rely on positive reinforcement. If the chimp starts scratching its ass, no banana. If the chimp goes to sleep, no banana. If it starts smashing the controls, no banana.
But if it grabs the steering wheel (this space ship will have a steering wheel like a 1973 Chevy Malibu) then--bink!--a chute will open, and a mechanical arm will lift a banana in front of the chimp's face.
So now we've got the chimp at the wheel of a billion-dollar spaceship with a leather steering wheel. The next step will be fairly crucial. We've got to change what he sees. A little software can fix that. Instead of planets in the distance, he'll see bananas. Before we know it, he'll have found the thrusters and be rocketing towards them.
We've done it before. Until now, however, we haven't given our chimps sufficient freedom. Power.
The most obvious danger, of course, is that the chimp will navigate to the nearest habitable planet, find aliens, intimidate them with his superior intellect, teach them the ways of man, become their Chimp King, develop nuclear weapons, and launch them towards earth, thus ensuring our oblivion. I can't think of a good solution to this problem, except for trying our best to find the most peaceful, fun-loving chimp we can.
To keep him peaceful, I suggest we dress him in pink, let him play with dolls, and play "Peaceful, Easy Feeling" by the Eagles, as well as a selection of Nick Drake and Simon and Garfunkle tracks. When he destroys the dolls, we should have humans nearby whose job it will be to weep loudly and uncontrollably. Gnashing of teeth will earn our criers a salary bonus of 10% and an enhanced dental plan. The candidate who empathizes the most with our professional criers and stops his antics will become our Space Chimp.
Of course, we might end up selecting the smartest chimp. The one who sees through our strategy and finds the optimal defense. Yes, in the end, we might choose an evil mad genius chimp. In that case, double the likelihood of the earth getting nuked. That's a risk we'll have to take.
First off, I think it's important to remember that astronauts make anywhere between $65k and $100k per year. That's not fantastic, but it's not bananas. If we replace these space jockeys with one or two chimps, we could literally pay them bananas.
The chimps would be self-trained. What I mean is, we toss a couple of these fellows into a ship, launch it into space, and then we rely on positive reinforcement. If the chimp starts scratching its ass, no banana. If the chimp goes to sleep, no banana. If it starts smashing the controls, no banana.
But if it grabs the steering wheel (this space ship will have a steering wheel like a 1973 Chevy Malibu) then--bink!--a chute will open, and a mechanical arm will lift a banana in front of the chimp's face.
So now we've got the chimp at the wheel of a billion-dollar spaceship with a leather steering wheel. The next step will be fairly crucial. We've got to change what he sees. A little software can fix that. Instead of planets in the distance, he'll see bananas. Before we know it, he'll have found the thrusters and be rocketing towards them.
We've done it before. Until now, however, we haven't given our chimps sufficient freedom. Power.
The most obvious danger, of course, is that the chimp will navigate to the nearest habitable planet, find aliens, intimidate them with his superior intellect, teach them the ways of man, become their Chimp King, develop nuclear weapons, and launch them towards earth, thus ensuring our oblivion. I can't think of a good solution to this problem, except for trying our best to find the most peaceful, fun-loving chimp we can.
To keep him peaceful, I suggest we dress him in pink, let him play with dolls, and play "Peaceful, Easy Feeling" by the Eagles, as well as a selection of Nick Drake and Simon and Garfunkle tracks. When he destroys the dolls, we should have humans nearby whose job it will be to weep loudly and uncontrollably. Gnashing of teeth will earn our criers a salary bonus of 10% and an enhanced dental plan. The candidate who empathizes the most with our professional criers and stops his antics will become our Space Chimp.
Of course, we might end up selecting the smartest chimp. The one who sees through our strategy and finds the optimal defense. Yes, in the end, we might choose an evil mad genius chimp. In that case, double the likelihood of the earth getting nuked. That's a risk we'll have to take.
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