Monday, November 26, 2012

Stalin Sings the Blues

Oh oh whoa whoa whoa, oh oh whoa whoa,

Stalin can't find love in any old place

No, no, oh no.

Stalin's looking all over the place

No love for Stalin.

So Stalin sets out for the nearest park,

And under the trees--could it be?

Sitting on a bench?  Yes it could,

Stalin found a woman.

"Здравствуйте!"  Stalin says and salutes,

and the lady gives a crotch shot with the toe of her boot.

Now sitting on the floor, sac inflamed, Stalin manages to say,

"Lady, I was greeting you in the mother tongue, okay?"

She says, "Buy me lunch, we'll call it even."

Yeah, yeah, whoa whoa whoa, yeah yeah, whoa whoa.

Stalin's . . . got . . . a . . . woman.

Stalin runs off home to make himself preeeeesentable.

Then he takes his new lady to the nicest,



most colorful,

most sophisticated,

expensive place he can find.

Maybe tonight is Stalin's lucky night.

Woman on Stalin's arm.  Next for Stalin:

Organize an army.

But first . . . dinner.

Lady sniffs, lady moves from one foot to the other.

Stalin is disconcerted, oh yeah, oh no, oh yeah.

Lady says, "KFC?"

Lady says, "Are you sure you can afford it?"

Stalin says, "Ouch."

Lady says, "And what's with the uniform, general?"

So Stalin puts on his evil face.

Oh yeah, his evil face, baaaaaby.

It's a face just like his happy face,

Or his serious face,

Or his mask of concentration,

Or his sleepytime face,

Or his constipated face,

Can a face be constipated?

Oh, I don't know, oh no, oh no.

Or his hungry face,

Or his execution face,

Or his goofytime face.

And the lady says, "Go get me a bucket of the crispy."

And Stalin doesn't know what that means.

No no no.

Stalin doesn't know what that means.

So Stalin, oh yeah yeah, Stalin,

Stalin decides to kill her.

So Stalin puts on his murdertime face.

His worst one yet.

His most frightening,



Lady says, "What are you looking at?"

Says, "I'm getting hungry."

Stalin says, "Here's your bucket."

He's being ironical--oh yeah, ironical,

But Stalin doesn't know what that means.

And he isn't really being ironical,

But he wouldn't know that anyway, oh no no.

Maybe ironical isn't even a word.

Wish I knew, I've got no clue,

Got to Google it,

But no time to Google it,

Because we're singing this song.

So he reaches for her throat--

And her eyes go buggy,

And then, oh then, yeah yeah oh no,

Oh no no no,

She does something,

That makes Comrade Stalin

Think in Russian.

She grabs his glorious, dictatorial

Shock of hair,

No, not his hair,

Oh yeah, his hair,

And pulls, oh she pulls it,

And she pulls it,

All the way, oh yeah,

All the way out.

And she's sitting there,


With a handful of hair,

And a bucket of the crispy.

And Stalin reaches for her throat,

But she's got her other hand,

Oh her other hand,

On his man parts.

And when she twists, Stalin's scream

Oh his scream

It becomes slightly--oh not so slightly--


It's a higher pitch, yeah oh yeah

And shriek-y.

Then the lady takes the bucket

And runs--oh ho yeah she runs.

No woman for Stalin.

Say goodbye, yeah oh yeah,

Say bu-bye, Stalin.

Oh oh whoa whoa whoa, oh oh whoa whoa,

Stalin can't find love in any old place

No, no, oh no.

Stalin's looking all over the place

No love for Stalin.

--"No Love for Stalin," from Stalin's new album, Stalin Sings the Blues (Columbia Records, 2012)

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