Hey, Let's Celebrate Canada! (For No Reason at All)

Dear Canada,

Hello.  You don't know me, but this blog post is a celebration of you.  Consider this moment to be on par with your life after a long hard day at work.  You come home drag-ass tired, open the door, and a bunch of people are standing around a cake hollering, "Happy Birthday!"

Except there's only one person--me--and it's not your birthday.  And I had to break your kitchen window to set up the big surprise.  And now you're saranwrapped to your sofa, with some holes cut into the wrap for your nostrils and eyes, because I can't have you calling the cops until the presentation is done.

Like most Americans, I've never visited you.  Nor do I intend to.  Nothing against you; it just doesn't occur to me.  I'm sure I'm missing out.

Sometimes I think about living in Vancouver, but that only occurs as the vaguest of notions whenever I'm annoyed with the current presidential administration.

Anyhoo, a simple search through google images--search terms: "Canadian wildlife"--reveals some nice pics.  Here they are.  Thanks, Canada.

And when I type "Canadian movies stars" into the same website, I get the following impressive list.  (Sorry, Canada, but your celebration involves you, me, your sofa, saran wrap, a cake that you can't eat till I leave--hope you like prune--and google images.)

   

You birthed Aquaman.  No, wait, he was Green Lantern.  Almost as good!

You are also responsible for this guy.

And her (what's her name again?):

And best of all, you . . . are . . . responsible . . . for . . . Estella Warren:

On the music front, thanks for Alannis Morissette, Drake, and Justin Bieber.  

Thanks for Arcade Fire, Broken Social Scene, and Elvis Presley--just kidding, he's ours.  Here's Neil Young instead.  Let's trade.  

So anyway, thanks, Canada.  I'll leave by the back door.  Wouldn't want your neighbors to see me.

P.S. Thanks for blocking the arctic wind.  

P.P.S.  But really, I like Canada.