Fucktards in the Cinema

There is little to do in the UAE, unless you really fucking love malls so much that you're willing to fly 5,000 miles to shop in an Arabic one, so going to movies becomes one of the only options when you're crawling up the walls from cabin fever, or else you just want some time out of the apartment.

So today I went out to see Snow White and the Huntsman.  Now in the U.S. I would never even think about paying $10 to see this movie.  I doubt I'd pay a buck to Redbox it.  Because in the U.S., there are options.  In the UAE, Snow White and the Huntsman is the premiere experience that my town has to offer--that or standing out in the heat and praying for sunstroke.  So I ponied up and took my seat.

Then the real strategy begins.  Sitting in the theater, I mean.  Because you don't want to sit next to an Emirati, one of the nationals.  These people can be nice face to face occasionally, but in general they have the social skills of plasterboard.

For example, they'll come up to you and say, "Hello sir, how was your weekend?" and then immediately follow it up with, "You look sick," when you're feeling fine, or "You look tired," when you slept 8 hours.  A friend of mine who lost 20-plus pounds had a former student come up to him and say, "What happened?  You used to be so fat!"  Only an Emirati can make an insult out of losing weight.

So, the theater.  You sit and you wait.  And you really have to wait, because these nitwits roll into the film after it has already started, take the seat right behind you, and then launch into conversation like they're sitting in a fucking coffee shop.  Or else they text each other, or they just outright answer phone calls.  Mental fucking midgets.

The movie starts, and I don't even need to look around.  I know I'm moving, because the fucktards behind me are already yammering away.  So I move up a row or two, but before I know it, I hear a phone ringing.

Obviously, in a first-world country, a ringing phone in a movie theater would be the subject of embarrassment and someone hurrying to shut the fucking thing up.  Not the UAE.  A gentleman that I'll refer to as IQ 80 answers and talks for a good five minutes . . . and everyone around him is acting like he's acting normal.

Another phone rings.  I look back and--shocker--find out it's IQ 80 again.  Probably talking to his cousin/third wife.

Now one thing that these morons seem to hate is to be embarrassed, especially by an outsider.  So I had half-convinced myself that I was going to confront the guy after the movie and just say, "Do you know how rude you were?"  That's the line I had settled on, because I mean the guy's just totally clueless, and if I come up to him and start berating him, he's just going to think I'm the Ugly American.  Which I might be.

But the best part is what I had forgotten.  Because as the movie ends, I turn around and most of the fuckers have already left the building.  Late to arrive, early to leave.  Most of them don't understand a movie in English anyway, and the Arabic subtitles is about a week's reading for them, so I shouldn't be surprised.

Aside from the need to go to work, I have no clue why a foreigner would ever leave his apartment in this shithole country.