Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Why Is Everyone Happy on Facebook?

I resisted Facebook far longer than I thought I would've been able to.  Despite that resistance, I've been on the site for 6 (?) years.  I have about 50 friends.  In the Facebook world, that makes me a loser.

Everybody is so fucking happy.  There is a "like" button.  Every picture has a smiling face in it.  It's like kindergarten for adults during milk-and-cookie break.  If my first act as an alien beaming in from another galaxy was to log on to Facebook, I'd think that the world is populated by lunatics.  Frustratingly happy ones.  That nobody in their right minds would ever want to hang out with.

Turns out some recent study of Facebook concludes that all of that unbridled glee depresses users.  Makes sense.  It's as logical as addition.  You log on (1), see three dozen monkey grins (plus 2), and want to blow your brains out (equals 3).

If I had the initiative, technical knowhow, and cash, I'd create an arch enemy.  A place where people can go to talk about how shitty their day was, how annoyed they are that Yahoo news is full of videos rather than text, how drunk and miserable they are, how sore their back is, and how they are trapped in their basement, drunk and miserable and watching Yahoo news videos at the end of a lousy day. And I'd call it Frownbook.

In lieu of a "like" button, Frownbook will have a "shit" button.  Your goal as a Frownbook user is not to be "liked."  Who cares about being "liked?"  Instead, your goal is far more worthwhile: not to be shit on.  Want to upload a picture of yourself smiling?  Or wedding photos?  Or you smiling at a wedding?  Buy an umbrella because there's a "shit" button directly underneath your smiling mug, and Frownbook users are going to click it like it's the newest video game.

Get shit on enough, and three things happen in quick succession.  Your account is deleted, an ejection screen pops up that reads, "Your worldview has been denied," and you are redirected to Facebook.

Keep smiling!

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