My Platform

It is election season in the United States, a time when everyone worries that the country will descend into fascism (again).

It got me thinking.  Should I run for office?  If so, what would be my platform?

A simple three-pronged attack should suffice.

1.  Every household gets to choose to receive one of the following each week:

• Roasted chicken
• Six pick of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer

It will be quite simple.  On Wednesday, you will receive a Selection Card from the U.S. Government.  The selection card will have your address stamped on it.  Below your address, you will find the instructions.

CHOOSE ONE.

Below the instructions, you will see the following:

______ Chicken

______ Beer

If you are conservative and you do not want the interference of the federal government, choose nothing.

If you are conservative and you do not want the interference of the federal government, then make a selection, you fucking hypocrite.

So generous, right?  How will we pay for it?  

Easy.

2.  Eliminate the military.  

Congrats, right wing!  You got your wish.  Smaller federal government.

This platform position makes abundant sense, considering the fact that the United States is geographically isolated and relatively safe from a ground invasion from evil Canada and empire-chasing Mexico.

3.  Give jobs to the unemployed former members of the military in the chicken and beer industries.

And that, Solid Citizen, is how I will snatch up a cushy job in a domed building somewhere.