Abigail Parsons, known as "Nana" in the Parsons family, was witnessed by several family members eating a second slice of carrot cake this afternoon at the birthday party of four-year-old Tommy Parsons.
She denied it.
Arriving before any other guests, Nana was ushered to the head of the Parsons table. Her grandchildren, of which four were present, lined up to kiss her rouged cheek, which more than one grandchild described afterwards as "gritty." In front of her was The Cake. Written on top of The Cake in robin's egg blue were the words "Happy Birthday, Shoop Suit!"
"Who the fuck is Snoop Shit?" inquired Nana, at which point her son Roger informed her that Shoop Suit--not Snoop Shit, but Shoop Suit--was indeed Tommy Parsons, his son and Nana's youngest grandchild. Tommy had just watched a children's movie with a lead character named "Shoop Suit" in a movie of the same name, in which the lead character, a midget panda bear, spends his time jumping from job to job to find the one that will make him happiest. And so Tommy had adopted the nickname as his own.
"Everyone calls him Shoop Suit now, Nana," said Roger.
With a wave of her hand, Nana urged Tommy forward. He inched toward her not without hesitation. She rested her hand on his shoulder, looked him in the eyes, and said, "Kid, your name is Eddie."
"Tommy," corrected the boy's mother.
"Tommy, " Nana continued. "Kid, your name is Tommy. Live with it. My name is Abigail. I cried myself to sleep over it for 6 years as a young girl. You're not a midget. You're not a Panda Bear. You're not employed. Cry it out."
Then Nana declared that she was suffering from low blood sugar and called for the knife, upon the receipt of which she sliced away the "Oop" of the first name and the "Su" of the second name from the cake, set the oversized piece on her plate, and began eating.
When Tommy saw that the cake now read "Happy Birthday Sh________it!" he quietly began to cry.
Other guests began to arrive, filling the Parsons household. Before they could see the cake, Roger took another slice of the cake and set it on a plate. When the guests turned back to the table, both pieces of cake were missing.
"Who ate the second piece?" asked Roger.
"Nana," declared Shoop Suit.
Nana pointed a single bony finger toward the soul of Shoop Suit and announced, "Liar."
"Hey now," said Roger. "You didn't eat a second slice?"
"I fucking deny it."
"Language!"
"He who lies dies," declared Nana. The weight of her arm made her finger waver. Then still staring at Tommy, she said, "I cast you out."
"You what?" said Roger, the boy's father.
"I cast him out."
"It's his birthday. You can't cast him out."
"Am I the matriarch?"
"Of course, Nana."
"I lead the family?"
"Of course."
"Does the matriarch have any power?"
"Of course, Nana. You have plenty of power."
"Then I cast him out."
Shoop Suit began to cry.
Now Nana stood. All of her progeny were in attendance. She waved her arm toward everyone. "I cast you all out."
"What does that mean?" asked Roger.
"I dissolve you. The Parsons are dissolved. Like Alka Seltzer tablets. I'm taking the name Parsons with me back to the farm, and I'm burying it where no one will find it. You're all a bunch of Snoop Shits now."
And that is the story how Tommy came to work full time as a paperboy until the age of 42.
She denied it.
Arriving before any other guests, Nana was ushered to the head of the Parsons table. Her grandchildren, of which four were present, lined up to kiss her rouged cheek, which more than one grandchild described afterwards as "gritty." In front of her was The Cake. Written on top of The Cake in robin's egg blue were the words "Happy Birthday, Shoop Suit!"
"Who the fuck is Snoop Shit?" inquired Nana, at which point her son Roger informed her that Shoop Suit--not Snoop Shit, but Shoop Suit--was indeed Tommy Parsons, his son and Nana's youngest grandchild. Tommy had just watched a children's movie with a lead character named "Shoop Suit" in a movie of the same name, in which the lead character, a midget panda bear, spends his time jumping from job to job to find the one that will make him happiest. And so Tommy had adopted the nickname as his own.
"Everyone calls him Shoop Suit now, Nana," said Roger.
With a wave of her hand, Nana urged Tommy forward. He inched toward her not without hesitation. She rested her hand on his shoulder, looked him in the eyes, and said, "Kid, your name is Eddie."
"Tommy," corrected the boy's mother.
"Tommy, " Nana continued. "Kid, your name is Tommy. Live with it. My name is Abigail. I cried myself to sleep over it for 6 years as a young girl. You're not a midget. You're not a Panda Bear. You're not employed. Cry it out."
Then Nana declared that she was suffering from low blood sugar and called for the knife, upon the receipt of which she sliced away the "Oop" of the first name and the "Su" of the second name from the cake, set the oversized piece on her plate, and began eating.
When Tommy saw that the cake now read "Happy Birthday Sh________it!" he quietly began to cry.
Other guests began to arrive, filling the Parsons household. Before they could see the cake, Roger took another slice of the cake and set it on a plate. When the guests turned back to the table, both pieces of cake were missing.
"Who ate the second piece?" asked Roger.
"Nana," declared Shoop Suit.
Nana pointed a single bony finger toward the soul of Shoop Suit and announced, "Liar."
"Hey now," said Roger. "You didn't eat a second slice?"
"I fucking deny it."
"Language!"
"He who lies dies," declared Nana. The weight of her arm made her finger waver. Then still staring at Tommy, she said, "I cast you out."
"You what?" said Roger, the boy's father.
"I cast him out."
"It's his birthday. You can't cast him out."
"Am I the matriarch?"
"Of course, Nana."
"I lead the family?"
"Of course."
"Does the matriarch have any power?"
"Of course, Nana. You have plenty of power."
"Then I cast him out."
Shoop Suit began to cry.
Now Nana stood. All of her progeny were in attendance. She waved her arm toward everyone. "I cast you all out."
"What does that mean?" asked Roger.
"I dissolve you. The Parsons are dissolved. Like Alka Seltzer tablets. I'm taking the name Parsons with me back to the farm, and I'm burying it where no one will find it. You're all a bunch of Snoop Shits now."
And that is the story how Tommy came to work full time as a paperboy until the age of 42.
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