The Power of Negative Thinking

Goal:  It is my goal to get through the day without shitting myself.  It is now 7:54 a.m. Abu Dhabi time.  I currently do not have the runs.  I estimate that my chances of success are 98 percent, which is another way of saying that I anticipate that I will shit my pants 1 day out of 50 or, to extrapolate, that I expect to roll a deuce in my shorts one week out of the year.  This estimate seems accurate despite the fact that I currently do not have a history of shitting myself.  Anything, however, is possible.  Will today be the day?  Can the power of negative thinking affect my chances?

Result:  It is now 12:37 p.m. Abu Dhabi time.  I did not shit myself.  I count this result as a qualified success--qualified because I almost shit myself. 

For breakfast, I ate half of a falafel sandwich and drank a large mint mocha.  Then I taught two classes back to back, with little chance for a bathroom break in between.  I finished at 12:15 and had to hurry across campus to meet a student at 12:25.  So I was rushing.  I had to cross 300 yards in the direct sunlight on a fairly hot--40 degrees Celsius--day.  Now for me, the following equation holds true in almost all occasions:

Coffee + Being in the Heat = Shit Myself

And I noticed as I was walking that the equation was doing its best to prove itself true.  I had to--how can I put this?--I had to squeeze.  So I am walking and squeezing and doing the best I could not to make it look like I was squeezing while I was walking. 

Now, people tell me that I appear very mellow most of the time.  I think that this is true because very often I play out disaster scenarios in my head.  If I am crossing a busy street, I will inevitably envision a car appearing out of nowhere and making contact with my person and sending me flying 45 feet in the air like a rag doll so that I land on my head, my skull opens up, and my brains leak out and start frying on the hot pavement like an egg.  I suppose scaring myself like this keeps the stress away.

Today, I imagined the following scenario.  I am hurrying across campus, with my body desperately wanting to shit itself.  I arrive at my destination in a state of extreme anguish, hurry up the stairs to be on time for my appointment, see my student, invite her into my office, present her with the certificate that she came for, thank her for participating in last semester's workshop--for which she earned the certificate that she now held in her hands--and then promptly shit myself.

She, of course, would hurriedly exit the office, tell someone, and I would instantly be fired.

In fact, as I was hurrying across campus, I had the following thought.  I thought: Holy Christ, why in the world did I make that joke post this morning about shitting myself?  I challenged my body, and my body is taking up the challenge in earnest.  I convinced my body to shit itself.

Why couldn't I convince my body to shit itself on a day off work?

Thankfully, it didn't happen.  I handed the student her certificate and told her that I had to run.  Then I ran, literally, to salvation.  And made it just in time.