Thursday, April 25, 2013


Before Constanza: -$4,400

After Constanza: +$1,380

$220 on Oklahoma City -11 1/2 vs. Houston Astros--Another Loser

$5500 on Pacers -7 vs. Atlanta Braves--Win $5k

$1100 on Spurs -8 1/2 vs. Los Angeles Lakers--Win $1k

After such a wildly successful night, I wondered: What would have happened if you had not Constanza'd?

Well, the Constanza method requires two things, (1) for you to pick the team that I think will lose (spread-wise), and (2) for you to bet a lot if I have zero faith and to bet a little if I have great faith in my pick.

So, I would've picked the Houston Rockets, and you would've made my big bet on that game.  So either way, no matter which strategy I pick, you're suddenly a winner?  Odd.

I had no faith in the Atlanta Hawks, but you would've picked them for a small amount.  So once again, you lose my small bet.

But I once again would have picked the Lakers with a medium-strength bet.  There the difference lies.  Instead of winning my $1,100 bet, you would've lost it.

* * * 

Now comes the real question: What do you do next?  You got your money back, plus a little bit.  You're welcome.  The natural reaction is to want to be careful now, stinging from your recent losses, and therefore to place small, conservative bets on these next games after careful deliberation and a nearly scientific weighing of the strengths and weaknesses of each team.

Therefore, under the Constanza method, you make bigger bets and I give my picks less thought.

This will guarantee success for you, unless it fails.  Then you will have no one but yourself to blame.

But don't think about that.  The point now is to think less.  

Without further ado, we move on to tonight's picks:

$440 on Bulls -3 1/2 vs. Brooklyn Nets.  Analysis: Brooklyn is more talented--wait, think less.  Pop Tarts is tasty.

$7700 on Clippers +4 1/2 at Memphis Grizzlies.  Analysis: Memphis is a town in the South.

$2200 on Bucks +7 1/2 vs. Miami Heat.  Analysis: Red beans gives me gas.

If tonight's bets are successful, you will now be in GodKing Mode.  Invisible to police, immune to all laws, invulnerable to illicit drugs--which means that you can enjoy them to your heart's content without worry of addiction--and wildly attractive to all women.

However, due to the Constanza method, your best play is not to take advantage of any of these benefits.  Instead of robbing banks and stealing a race car, which you will then launch onto the nearest yacht offshort and then proceed to bang all of the women aboard--oh cool, this is Mila Kunis's boat--while high on crack, you should sit at home and watch reruns of Barney Miller, a DVD that you paid a healthy sum for back in 2008 but which you could have downloaded for free with a decent internet connection.  Wojo makes that show.

Co.  Stanz.  Uh.


  1. you make bigger bets and I give my picks less thought.

    Bets made sir, though I don't remember who I bet on at this point as I just gave a blank piece of paper to the guy taking my money and said "just pick a winner in these 3 games for me"

    1. Yes. That's the strategy. It's the exact same thinking as my foolproof stock-picking strategy.